Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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