Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
