Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
