you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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