Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We are two peas in an std pod
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
