Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There's always time for handjobs
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
