My liver just broke up with me...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
