then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
