I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
