Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
