Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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