i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
