Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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