I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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