i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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