at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
