you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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