The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I look better un-naked...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
