remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
