did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
