I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
