If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
