Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
where are you?
Hypothermia
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
