On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
