shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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