1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
