Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
