you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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