the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
