I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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