I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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