I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
