If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
