He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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