I will die if light touches me.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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