Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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