So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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