My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
