i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
