we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
