$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
