i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
