my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
