Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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