I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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