Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
