I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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