I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
