9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
