I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
